Join now for free!

I am a:
next »
Flirt Magazine:

Bringing Up the Kink: How to Bring a Little Kink to your Relationship

If this has ever happened to you (or maybe it's happening to you right now), read on.

couple bringing up the kink in the bedroom
Join the kink club and make it better in the bedroom!

You've met this guy (or gal) and they're not just a hookup. You're starting to fall for them. The sex is great, more than you expected from a casual sex partner. You think you could be in a relationship.

And then...they drop the bomb. The "N" word - that's right. They enjoy "normal" sex. In a panic, you go into one of your philosophical rants: "What is normal, really? How do we define normal? At which point, the object of your affection raises his or her eyebrow, clearly thinking, "What did I sign up for?"

While they're thinking the worst thing about you is your tendency to watch Downton Abbey all Sunday-long instead of meal-prepping, you're trying to broach up the best way to tell them you like it in the ass after being tied up.

Okay. Breathe. Breathe. First rule of the kink club is - we talk about it! (You're thinking about the rules of Fight Club - that's where we don't talk about it).

You might be wondering: How do I bring it up?

And, more importantly, how do I possibly start to bring my partner into the world of kink? The answer is, slowly, patiently and...with a lot of lube. And love. But mostly lube.

Kink Curious, Kink Savant or Kink-Dilettante?

Okay, you know where on the spectrum of erotic kink you lie. But what about your partner? The first thing you need to get a sense of is their behaviours, attitudes and preconceptions about kink.

They may be totally unexpected and unconventional but they may be so far into "vanilla" sex, they consider doggy-style "kinky sexplay".

And it's now up to you to break it to them: there's no Santa-Claus and kink usually means more.

All jokes aside, though, it's your responsibility to talk to your partner and find out how much they already know and what they've heard about it. Ask your partner and investigate subtle cues about how they feel.


RELATED: Advantages of Watching Porn for Couples and Singles


For example: They may say, all the livelong day, that they're open-minded and "up for anything" but they use words value-judgment words like "good", "bad", "slutty", "conservative", and other adjectives that try and describe values with an act.

That should tell you a lot about the state of affairs at play right now.

gorgeous blonde in a kinky-role-sexplay
What about some kinky sexplay?

From "Good" to "Great"

During one of these "conversations" about kink, you also want to let your partner know that sex with them - as it is, right now - is brilliant. It's connected. You've never had better. Etc. Don't say it if you don't mean it but, hey, if it's true, let them know that you like them in bed, as they are right now. This is not about changing them.

PRO TIP: Some Points on the Table

Being kink together, you'll tell them, is about how much fun you're having now, how special it is, how much you trust them and how that is the perfect setting to foray into kinky play. Well, trust and mutual affection heightens a sexual act far more than whips and chains. It's just that whips and chains bring that trust and affection to the next, next level.

Suggestive Language

If your "subject" isn't primed, yet, that's your next step: casually and non-threateningly, introducing a dimension of "naughty playfulness" into your sexual repertoire.

So, for example, when you're grinding him, you can use dirty talk to say something, "Mmm, big boy, I just love getting spanked when I'm being this naughty." Guaranteed to make him hard.

The point is to use a combination of language and physical movements to subtly signal to your partner how delicious kinky play can be - and it doesn't have to be "dark", "brooding", "painful" or intense. It can simply be naughty, novel and teasing.

Y'know, just to start.

Flip the Script

As your partner becomes more and more amenable and open to these little "deviations", shall we call them, you can begin to involve light, non-pain-inducing "accoutrements" like feathers, comfy leather handcuffs and blindfolds.

PRO TIP: Dealing with Bad Experiences?

Negative past experience of kinky sexplay or more hardcore BDSM may have emotionally changed your partner's response. If they seem averse to kink and their reaction is more emotionally charge than is normal for them, this might be the case and you'll want to approach them with empathy and caring.

Don't push it until they're ready themselves. The point of kink is to have "fun", outside of the boundaries of what people say sex should be like. You can make sex anything you'd like. So, in this case, you want to ask your partner and indulge them as well: are there any fantasies they've always had or things they've wanted to try?

Here's why: You're showing your open-mindedness for kink automatically translates into your open-mindedness and willingness to try things on their turf. If they've been shy or too afraid to go there, you can venture there together.

Take a Break

This is a real thing: partners of people who love kink (but who don't naturally gravitate towards kink themselves) have this weird conception that, 24-7, that's all we think about.

They're afraid that to say Y E S ! to kink (because, frankly, it sounds kind of fun and exciting and...they really are willing to try anything once sort of people) would be to open the floodgates of deranged, violent acts that they'll be subject to ALL the time.

naughty lady waking up the kink on him
Whips and chains bring that trust and affection to the next level.

Honestly, kink is kink because it's out of the ordinary. If every act of sex was kinky, how would we be able to distinguish "kinky" from "straight"? Take a break from the kink - as much as your partner would like - maybe once every other time you have sex or only no Friday nights, or whatever your "agreement" looks like.

Let them know they're in charge because kink truly is all about mutual satisfaction.

Recommended reading

Image sources: (1) deagreez | (2) sakkmesterke | (3) sandyche | Fotolia.com